7 Signs End Times Begin in 2007!

  • Fol­low­ing up on all the thoughts about Rev­e­la­tion and the obses­sion with the “end times,” we can all rest easy. Wait­ing in the gro­cery line, I saw that the tabloid The Sun has the scoop we’ve been wait­ing for. “New Dead Sea Scrolls Shocker! 7 SIGNS END TIMES BEGIN IN 2007!”

    Oh, thank heaven. The sus­pense was killing me. So I thought as a ser­vice, I’d save every­one else the $2.99 and just tell you what to look for:

    1. Feb­ru­ary – N. KOREA LAUNCHES NUKE ATTACK. “North Korea will launch a nuke at the U.S.” Really? North Korea’s last test was pretty puny. Don’t we pretty much think if they launched a nuke at us it would come down about eight blocks away? Any­way, Kim Jong Il will declare him­self the Antichrist, and I think every­one will con­sider that a bit of a disappointment.
    2. April – 900,000 U.S. TROOPS DRAFTED. Bush is going to say that John the Bap­tist told him to rein­sti­tute the draft and enlist 900,000 troops to “com­bat the armies of Satan.” Top-ranking Democ­rats will have a hard time keep­ing a straight face because they’ll know it was only Char­lie Rangel in his John the Bap­tist rub­ber face mask. Okay, so that last part was mine.
    3. May – DEADLY TSUNAMI KILLS 400,000 IN U.S. – A tsunami will hit the west coast. A promi­nent evan­ge­list will say she had a vision that it was caused by God’s wrath. Promi­nent evan­ge­list – she? C’mon, now we’re get­ting far-fetched — all the top evan­gel­i­cals are dudes, right? And any­way, why is all the bad stuff just hap­pen­ing to Amer­ica? If we got nuked in Feb­ru­ary, isn’t it time for another coun­try to get some end times? How about Green­land for a change?
    4. July – IRAN INVADES ISRAEL. Ahmadine­jab will invade, take over the Dome of the Rock and tell every­one he’s linked up with Antichrist Il (“A.I.” to friends) so they can ash-can Judaism and Chris­tian­ity. And the 900,000 troops we drafted will be doing what all this time, mak­ing daisy chains? And the promi­nent girl-evangelist, she couldn’t give every­one a heads-up about this?
    5. August – COMPUTER SCIENTIST CRACKS 666. (Okay, s-p, you’re going to feel sooo silly that you missed this.) A com­puter sci­en­tist from MIT will fig­ure out the 666 rid­dle — turns out that it’s a binary thing. It was no good us turn­ing down phone num­bers and license plates with 666 on them; the num­ber we really should have been look­ing for was 1010011010. Hey, wait! That’s my license plate num­ber! Yaaaaaa! [Phan­tom of the Opera organ chords]
    6. Sep­tem­ber – NASA FINDS KILLER ASTEROID. Astronomers will find an aster­oid the size of Man­hat­tan that will land in Chicago on the 29th and cause “a tragic death toll.” Well, no duh. But what are they using for brains over at NASA? They couldn’t give us a lit­tle more warn­ing? Good grief, some­thing that big, most peo­ple were prob­a­bly point­ing to it and say­ing, “Hey, rocket sci­en­tists, what’s up with the enor­mous thing hurtling at us from space?”
    7. Octo­ber – JESUS RETURNS IN A BLAZE OF GLORY. “The fiery Jesus” will appear over the Holy Land and declare that He’s come to redeem humankind (what – again?) and cast sin­ners into hell. Oh fine. So here’s the first good news in the whole list and it can’t hap­pen in Amer­ica? We’re the ones who’ve lost a coast and been hit in the Chicago with an aster­oid. I just think that’s kind of unfair.

    So … that about wraps it up, then. Nuke’s com­ing in Feb­ru­ary. I hope it gets here before Lent starts so I can pack BLT’s when we’re flee­ing all the wrath to come. I bet­ter write a let­ter to The Sun and see if they can get the Dead Sea Scrolls to get a bit more spe­cific. This stuff’s important!


    Related posts:

    1. Signs of the end times — 10/6/06 edition
    2. Good times and bad times

    January 12th, 2007 | Grace | 7 Comments |

7 Responses and Counting...

  • Robert Mahoney 01.12.2007

    Let’s hope Pat Robert­son doesn’t get a copy of this, it will just con­firm to him that what God has been telling him is true.

  • Grace

    Okay, THAT’s scary.

  • Leah Paintin

    Oh, man that’s way too funny!
    the hand­maid,
    Leah

  • s-p

    BINARY 666???? LOL! Of course, it makes sense since Bill Gates is respon­si­ble for bar codes, GPS, embed­ded ID chips, etc. etc. Why didn’t I think of that??

  • Cather­ine K.

    http://www.jraxis.com/archive/666

    I can’t resist any longer — the above link has LOTS of infor­ma­tion about 666.. including:

    660
    Approx­i­mate num­ber of the Beast.
    DCLXVI
    Roman numeral of the Beast.

    If that isn’t enough for you, click on the link :)

  • Stacy

    Bwa­ha­haha…

    (But secretly I won­der… did they laugh at Noah, too? [insert mys­te­ri­ous music here])

  • This Side of Glory » Blog Archive » Five years of This Side

    […] Fun­ni­est (to me, any­way): 7 signs the end times begin in 2007.  Thanks to the top-notch prophecy/reporting of a super­mar­ket tabloid, I was able to run down all the events that will lead up to the Sec­ond Com­ing in late 2007. It made it eas­ier to plan vaca­tions, you see. […]

Leave a Reply

* Name, Email, and Comment are Required