Someone from church sent me this. It might have already made the rounds somewhere, but I hadn’t seen it before. And I’m going to number it just so I can own up to which ones I’m the most guilty of.
You know you’re Orthodox if …
- On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
- You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting.
- You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing.
- You can sing an ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LOL).
- Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week.
- You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
- On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
- You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
- You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
- To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
- You get great deals on Easter candy.
- You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls.
- Before you pray, you say a prayer.
- You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
- When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
- The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
- You consider any service two hours or under short/regular.
- You know that when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord”, there’s still half an hour to go.
- At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
- Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
- Your priest is married.
- You have seen all members of clergy in purple robes.
- You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones.
- You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting.
- You celebrate feast days the night before.
- You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul.
- You can say “Lord have mercy” 40 times without making a mistake.
- You can say “Christ Is Risen”/”Indeed He Is Risen” in a million languages.
- You have tournaments of red-egg-cracking on Pascha… And you usually know who’s being a wise-guy with the wooden one.
- You have multiple priests’ numbers in your cell phone.
- You actually read the Bible in your spare time.
- You’ve slept overnight in your church for a retreat.
- You’ve grown accustomed to the taste of wine because you’ve had it since you were a baby.
- Even if you don’t speak the language fluently (i.e. Albanian, Greek, Russian, etc.) you could still carry on a decent conversation about food in it.
- You’ve been or plan on going to Alaska.
- You could write a book on the symbolism in an Orthodox wedding… during the wedding… because they are just that long.
All right, so the ones that I really had to admit to were: 2, 6, 8, 9, 13, 17, 21, 23 (working on it, anyway), 25, 31 and 35.
I would even include one of my own:
37. You would like to think up three more of these just so that the list would come out to a good Orthodox number like 40.