You know you're Orthodox if …

  • Someone from church sent me this. It might have already made the rounds somewhere, but I hadn’t seen it before. And I’m going to number it just so I can own up to which ones I’m the most guilty of.

    You know you’re Orthodox if …

    1. On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
    2. You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting.
    3. You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing.
    4. You can sing an ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LOL).
    5. Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week.
    6. You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
    7. On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
    8. You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
    9. You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
    10. To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
    11. You get great deals on Easter candy.
    12. You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls.
    13. Before you pray, you say a prayer.
    14. You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
    15. When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
    16. The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
    17. You consider any service two hours or under short/regular.
    18. You know that when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord”, there’s still half an hour to go.
    19. At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
    20. Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
    21. Your priest is married.
    22. You have seen all members of clergy in purple robes.
    23. You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones.
    24. You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting.
    25. You celebrate feast days the night before.
    26. You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul.
    27. You can say “Lord have mercy” 40 times without making a mistake.
    28. You can say “Christ Is Risen”/”Indeed He Is Risen” in a million languages.
    29. You have tournaments of red-egg-cracking on Pascha… And you usually know who’s being a wise-guy with the wooden one.
    30. You have multiple priests’ numbers in your cell phone.
    31. You actually read the Bible in your spare time.
    32. You’ve slept overnight in your church for a retreat.
    33. You’ve grown accustomed to the taste of wine because you’ve had it since you were a baby.
    34. Even if you don’t speak the language fluently (i.e. Albanian, Greek, Russian, etc.) you could still carry on a decent conversation about food in it.
    35. You’ve been or plan on going to Alaska.
    36. You could write a book on the symbolism in an Orthodox wedding… during the wedding… because they are just that long.

    All right, so the ones that I really had to admit to were: 2, 6, 8, 9, 13, 17, 21, 23 (working on it, anyway), 25, 31 and 35.

    I would even include one of my own:

    37. You would like to think up three more of these just so that the list would come out to a good Orthodox number like 40.


16 Responses and Counting...

  • BJohnD 11.08.2006

    2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 14, 15, 17, 18, 20, 21, 26, 27, 30, 31, 35.

    Another I've seen before: You've learned to stretch your legs during church without drawing attention to yourself.

    My own: You've run out of excuses for skipping your office's Friday Happy Hours and mid-December "Holiday" Lunches.

  • Here's another: Someone notices your lunch choices and asks you if you're vegan. You say, "sort of."

  • Deb

    I don't know what a ison is??

    Here's my contribution:

    You buy your teenage daughter a headscarf for Christmas/birthday and she actually likes it.

  • Ooo, I like it. With these three we brought the number up to 40. Exxxcellent.

    Deb, if you've heard much Byzantine-style chanting, you've likely heard somebody holding one low note throughout the whole chant. It's the only thing remotely like harmony that can work with Byzantine chant. That's the ison (pronounced EE-sawn).

    Or I should say, you've probably heard somebody *trying* to hold one note, and that it *should* work like harmony. There's actually a bit of a gift to getting the ison right. It doesn't always work, and people don't always do it well … but that's an item for another post.

  • Deb

    Ah, thanks for the clarification. Not sure I've heard it before -at least not during the entire chant. I'll have to listen more carefully next time.

    Deb

  • These are absolutely great. Now would you be able to come up with alist for how to tell if you are a Redneck Orthodox Christian? If that kind of list could be developed, it would truly be hillarious.

    Who says Orthodox priests don't have a sense of humor?

    God bless you on your great site.

  • Well now, if you want Redneck Orthodox, you'd be wanting to go on over to <a rel="nofollow" href="http://http//southern-orthodoxy.blogspot.com/%20rel=&quot; rel="nofollow">Orthodixie . Fr. Joseph may not have done a list like that, but then again, he just might.

  • I just want you to know that being a redneck isn't about being Southern, a very common misconception. Its about being country and a person can be from the country in any state. I'll get us started with the first few…
    You know your a Redneck Orthodox if…
    40. Your Parish is the Only Orthodox Parish within 60 miles of another Orthodox parish AND your parish sits five miles outside of the nearest small town, You're Redneck-a-dox! (St, Mary Holy Dormition, Calhan Colorado)
    39. Every Pascha your wife fills your basket with cheese filled beer brats, horseradish mustard and hotdog buns! You're Redneck-a-dox!
    38. When you get inside your car the inside ceiling has paper icons of all your favorite saints push-pinned to it… you're Redneck-a-dox!
    37. Your icon corner is decorated with fish christmas lights from the Bass Pro shop or red chili pepper lights from Hobby Lobby… You are Redneck-a-dox!
    36. If you have named any of your children Patapius, Habakuk, Barsanuphias, Hermogenes, Boniface, Zoticus, Irenarchus, Mercurius, Apphia or any other ancient, yet venerable and obscure name, whether cradle or convert… you're Redneck-a-dox!
    35. If your idea of a really good time is cooking at monastery with only a gas stove and no other power, or running water, on an island in Alaska, provisioned for a certain amount of time, dependant on God and with a mission to accomplish, living on garlic with mostly men around… you're Redneck-a-dox!
    34. If your CD collection includes burned CD mixes of borrowed Orthodox music from everybody you know… you're Redneck-a-dox!
    33. If you buy a bunch of icons on eBay and have them blessed all at one time the Sunday after you get them… you're Redneck-a-dox!
    32. If your idea of a romantic weekend get-a-way includes looking for an ethnic Orthodox festival to visit… you're Redneck-a-dox!
    31. If you bring your sleeping bag and pillow with you to guard the tomb on Holy Friday/Saturday during the vigil you might be Redneck-a-dox!

    I leave it to the rest of you to come up with some more good natured Redneck Orthodox examples, some of these I have done, some of these I have seen done by people I love. We are all a little Redneck at some level, but I pray we are all very Orthodox in all ways that count the most. A blessed Nativity season!
    Leah

  • That's a hoot and a half! I won't own up to which ones I've been guilty of, but suffice it to say, I might be a Redneck-a-dox.

  • These are all great!

    Shared them w/ my kid & he loved them!

    Sharing them w/ my parents & the rest of the family ASAP!

  • 30. If your horn on your truck plays "Christ is risen from the dead…" You might be one.

    29. If you removed your longhorn steer horns from the hood of your cadillac and replaced with a 3 bar cross you might be one.

    28. If your gun rack was turned into an incense or oil candle hanger you might be one.

    27. If you only fish on the right side of your boat you might bo one.

    26. If you have replaced your dinner triangle with multiple bells you might be one.

    25. If you know what a dinner triangle is you are one.

    24. If your wife is regretting you took down the moose head because of all the huge icons now on the mantle you might be one.

    23. If you go to a family fish fry and start extolling the benefits of crustaceans you might be one.

    22. If you bring baklava to a family reunion you might be one.

    21. If your root cellar is filled with home canned hummus you might be one.

    20. If you took down the little green pine tree air freshner in your truck in lieu of burning myrrh you might be one.

    19. If dry bread and cheap wine bring tears to your eyes, you might be one.

    18. If your parish priest has named you Bubbasanuphius or Williedopholus you night be one.

    17. If you say everything 3 times out of habit you might be one.

    16. If your priest has to tell you cleaning your shotgun in front of your daughter's date is not a sin you might be one.

    15. If you call the cows in to milk using the Cherubic Hymn over a loud speaker, you might be one.

    14. If racoons, armadillos and possums come up to you of their own accord, you might be one.

    13. If the monks at the monastery tell you service starts at 4:00am and you think this is sleeping in you might be one.

    12. You know more recipes for lentiles than you do for BBQ sauce you might be one.

    11. You make beer chicken with wine and no one minds you might be one.

    10. Quality time with the family is playing "guess who that Saint is", you might be one.

    9. You don't plant according to the Farmers' Almanac anymore but on St. Isidore patron saint of Farmers Day; May 15, you might be one.

    8. You bury flowers and eggs more than you eat or look at them you might be one.

    7. You spray painted the local water tower with "I love the Theotokos" you might be one.

    6. You sing country songs in Tone 7 and they still make sense you might be one.

    5. During Pascha you shoot different sounding shotguns in lieu of bells you might be one.

    4. You tattooed the (insert favorite feast scene) on you arm you might be one.

    3. You can teach the monks how to make better home made wine and candles than they can you might be one.

    2. When your priest comes to bless the house you also ask him to bless the barn, hay loft, chicken coop, dog houses, cow pasture, pig pen, dairy barn, tool yard and the back 40 you might be one.

    And the number one way to tell if you are a Redneck-a-dox…

    1.

    I'll leave this one to the site owner. It was just fun thinking up things like the above. My wife's name is Leah and this is how I found the site even if this thread is over a year old, I hope someone finds humor in it. I will check back to see who has the best #1.

  • My Daddy is a priest! I'm only almost-12, but I think at LEAST 3/4 of that stuff
    applied to me!

    Here's one: If you have a name like Sophia or Theodore, you shorten it down to Sophie and Theo.

    Да благословит вас Бог!

    Sophie ххх

  • Sophie:
    Love that one! I almost forgot about this whole list, but it was fun to revisit. And now I need to go find someone who can translate the Greek for me. :-)

  • I love finding sites like these! especially when overseas and dont understand enough Russian to last through a Sunday service; sites like these help me remember my faith and give me something to post to contradict all the atheist and Islamic junk i see everyday :) Stuff like this should be distributed to youth in sunday school :) i'm 15 and love these!!

  • You have a prayer book just to hold your prayer cards…..

  • Or, "Sometimes."

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