Daydream believers
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Do you ever rerun conversations over and over and come up with much better things you wish you had said? Or, worse, rerun conversations that never happened — setting up imaginary confrontations with troubling people you know or people you know are out there somewhere? I do, and I’d hate to have to admit to myself how many hours I’ve lost to this weird game.When I’m tired or when I’m over-excited for some reason, I just can’t seem to make myself stop going over and over things that never happened.I was noticing recently that I don’t do it as much as I used to. Thank God! I’d like to think that was maturity, but I may have to be honest and say that it’s just what you get with age, whether you’ve really wised up or not. Because those daydream scenarios that allow you to play the role of the hero or victim, or whatever it is that your imagination inclines to, are something that happen a lot more before you’ve experienced much of real life. You’re rehearsing your lines — or what you hope will be your lines — for your big entrance into the Game of Life, but after you’ve been on and off the stage for a couple acts, you start to realize that the reality isn’t much like your imagination. And you may even get a chance to recognize the times when you’re talking to someone who has rehearsed their conversation in just such a way. The dead giveaway is usually that the entire rehearsed part doesn’t quite fit into normal conversation. They usually have to change subjects somewhat abruptly to get there — usually done after a pregnant pause by something starting with “Well!” or “So!” — and they’re usually unable to adapt to what you really say in reply (unless they’ve been thoughtful enough to hand you a copy of the script).
The truth of those scenarios is that they smack of egoism, for obvious reasons. And so the impact on the audience rarely has anything of the real light of intelligence to it. It tends to be hard-hearted, or odd, or make very obvious points as if they were incredible and insightful. There’s a country song that says, “I thank God for unanswered prayer,” and it mirrors my gratitude for the number of times the good Lord interrupted me before I could deliver one of those diatribes out of my fevered imagination and find out to my shame that I had been unkind, brash or just plain stupid.
The reason I bring it up is that in my reading in “My Life in Christ” today, St. John of Kronstadt advised that when you are beleaguered by sinful thoughts and temptations, you should remember that “all this is an imagination of the Devil.” That turn of phrase caught my eye. It’s as if, when your head and heart are caught up with gossip or crushing anxiety or crippling avarice, self-centeredness, anger or foul speculations, you are living out the daydreams of the devil himself. These are his scenarios, his ideas of how life should go, and you’re suddenly just a bit player saying someone else’s lines. You’ve suddenly become the one giving reality to those nightmares.God help us. There is so much more that we’re called to. You sometimes see those who are so caught up in this vile energy that they prefer it to their own feeble attempts at living their lives. But it’s a horrible waste of human potential. Having nightmares is just part of life; being the nightmare is something else.
Related posts:
- Why is faith so difficult?
- Wherever the wind blows
- Beginnings and The Big Finale
- Poison by trifles
- On curiosity
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You’re not the only one. I think the Fathers call all that “logismoi”, random thoughts that we can eventually learn to ignore and live in the present moment instead of in the illusions in our heads. Illusions are so much more convenient and easy to deal with than real life.
Logismoi — exactly! I forgot that word. Just came across it for the first time about a year ago, and it was a great relief to hear it given a name. Just another on my list of 5–10 Orthodox words that I think ought to be in everyone’s vocabulary. (Another blog post in the making! The world awaits breathlessly!)
I do often, and I appreciate your thoughts on hearing that internal tape as logismoi, which is definitely something I struggle with.
My priest advised he was going to email me an article on it (when I emailed him, which I need to do right now) — I will forward it to you.
And, as always, thank you!
Oh, yes, I have done this rehearsing in my mind. The only reason I don’t have this particular problem with the imaginations of the devil any longer is that I have finally realized that the imagined scenario *never* happens. I am too slow of speech. But your reminders about the various ways that our soul’s enemy has his way with us, without even needing to work hard, are well-taken, and well-said.