The cruel passion
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The quote in “Daily Lives” was really spot on for me this morning:
When Christ the Savior Himself was obedient, it was not for a brief period of time, but unto death. Therefore, if we are always obedient, we will always be happy. But to our sorrow, the cruel passion of self-love has made our will like iron — unbending to obedience. Thus, it often seems to us that we are smart, and that we can see things better than others can, etc.
– St. Anthony of Optina
Some days I feel like I’m undertaking my day’s labors — not to mention my prayers and spiritual work — with the equivalent of a sprained ankle or broken wrist. I’m dragging, everything hurts, I work without joy. But how often is it that if I were going to be really honest with myself would I have to admit that the reason I’m broken is because I set about doing my work with stubbornness instead of true obedience. I’ve already noticed in my life and the life of others that we can feel deeply hurt when the only thing that has really been hurt is our pride. I’m not doing what I want to do. I don’t get to do things my way. The word ‘obedience’ has almost become a dirty word to people because we’re so offended at the idea.
But true obedience isn’t joyless, even if there is pain. It depends on whether I will let the pain heal me, or if I would rather nurse a grudge, privately hold onto the idea of being an innocent victim and fomenting disobedience even in the middle of an outward show of obedience.
It’s a morning I feel like saying with the father of the demon-possessed child: Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief!
Related posts:
- “The Mind of the Maker” and the problem of evil
- Spiritual obedience …
- The ghost of Forgiveness Vespers long past
- On silence (again)
- Late winter, early spring
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That is one of the pieces of scripture I find myself clinging to often — it truly resonates with my cynical at times soul.
Lord have Mercy.